When You Want to Quit Residency
Written by Anonymous
Intern year is hard. People try to warn you about how many hours and sacrifices are involved in residency, but often you are wearing the rose-tinted glasses from the fourth year of medical school. For most of my intern year, I was able to stay afloat. In the summer months, I took criticism pretty harshly and would cry when I got home from work. I was putting in 70-80 hours without any positive feedback. During the year, I noticed the negative feedback from attending physicians and senior residents lessened.
Fast forward to winter of intern year and now early spring. I was in my groove with responsibilities but still hadn't received much positive feedback. I assumed that this was how my intern year would finish and I would be ready for an “easier” schedule during the second year. Then, I started one of the harder rotations of my intern year. My team was quick to correct my errors. In retrospect, this is what any intern needs (to know what they can do to improve at that moment). On this rotation, I was surrounded by very sick patients (more sick than I was used to). Halfway through this rotation, I started to have very negative and intrusive thoughts about quitting residency:
“I’m not good enough”
“I’m not smart enough, how can I care for these patients?”
“Am I going to hurt someone with all these things I don’t know?”
“I want to quit”
“I need this to end”
“Can I switch specialties?”
“I should have gone into something less acute without direct patient care”
“I shouldn’t be a doctor”
On the way to and from work, and while I was at home these thoughts would linger. My partner couldn’t help as he didn't understand. My family was worse. They were all non-medical and fed into the insecurities and imposter syndrome telling me I should have chosen an “easier” field.
My saving grace was not myself, my partner, or my family. It was truly my co-interns and time away from the hospital. I took a wellness day during the week where I did normal human things, like go to the dentist, go grocery shopping, and cooked a meal. I had to remember that I was just a human being, like my patients, like my chief residents and attending physicians. My co-interns, who are now like my siblings, were all supportive. They understood my feelings. They were going through the same situation but weren’t sharing their feelings due to fear that they were alone. It took eight months for us to be vulnerable with one another. Speaking with each other put everything into perspective. I didn’t feel so alone. I went to work the next day with a little bit more grace.
I share this story, not for sympathy, but to show others that you are not alone. Medical training is hard. Residency is hard. Intern year is hard. When we are senior residents and it seems “easier,” it is integral to check in with the interns and help them through the challenges of residency. My biggest advice to the incoming interns and upcoming fourth-year medical students: try and make residency your family. No one understands what you are going through as much as those who are trudging through the mud alongside you.
Still chugging along but not alone,
-A spring intern
